You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
