Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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