ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
