its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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