he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize