you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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