big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
