Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
