Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
