3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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