White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize