Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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