I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
