They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
