If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
