too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
