turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
