Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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