the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
