Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
