I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
