wakey wakey hands off snakey
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Randomize
