Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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