Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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