one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
