her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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