i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
