Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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