Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
