I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
