I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
