I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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