Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
