I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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