i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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