I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
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