Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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