i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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