mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
