Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
