I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
