You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
