When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
