Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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