I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
