There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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