dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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