I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
