Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I am naked and annoyed.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
