Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
