maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
