I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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