you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
