once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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