at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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