the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
