Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
