i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
