Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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